I never thought the day would come where I’d write that Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi was a genius. Mark it in your calendars folks, because it’s happening on Thursday, July 29, 2010. Coincidentally, today marks debut of the second-season premiere of Polizzi’s meal ticket, “Jersey Shore.”
So why am I doling out the One Unique Token Genius Grant to someone who looks like “Dirrty”-era Christina Aguilera? Because of the following nugget of wisdom, courtesy of Time TV writer (and fellow Michigan native) James Poniewozik:
“I don’t go tanning tanning anymore because Obama put a 10 percent tax on tanning. I feel like he did that intentionally for us. McCain never would have put a 10 percent tax on tanning, because he’s pale and he would probably want to be tan. Obama doesn’t have that problem. Obviously.” – Snooki
Do I think Snooki is a racist? No, though I can’t say the same for one of her fellow cast members. I think Snooki is too smart to be a bigot. She’s right; President Obama (who ironically had a TV debut of his own today, on “The View,” where he feigned ignorance of Snooki) is legislating according to identity politics. Black people don’t need to tan, so we want laws against tanning!
It’s the same school of thought that allowed most of the other major suppressions of human rights in United States of America. Think about it: We had to wait through 15 presidents, all white I might add, until we got one who outlawed slavery. We had to wait through 26 presidents, all male, before we got one to give women the right to vote. (I know that Wilson was the 28th president, but I refuse to count Grover Cleveland twice, even though he served nonconsecutive terms). Notoriously straight President Bill Clinton signed the gay-hating Defense of Marriage Act into law. I bet if it’d been George Michael under the presidential desk instead of Monica Lewinsky, gay marriage would be the law of our land. I never fancied Snooki a pundit or a history buff. My bad, Snook!
(I know you’re thinking, “OUT, you were a political science major! Don’t you know that presidents don’t give and take away rights, that’s what Congress does as the government’s Legislative Branch?” But my girl Snook didn’t say anything about legislation or vetoes in her comments, and she’s a genius, so why should I?)
Even though President Obama is just behaving like all of the other men to ascend to the Oval Office, he’s still not doing it right because he’s favoring the wrong people. Rush Limbaugh, my favorite oracle, recognized this too in regards to health-care reform. See, Snooki is in good company. Limbaugh, who is not at all a big fat idiot (obviously, because no one ever heard again from the clown who wrote that book), saw that President Obama’s policies would heavily favor black people and amount to reparations. And my favorite politician, Rep. Steve King of Iowa (go Hawks!), said President Obama “favors the black person.” And, again, do you know what black people don’t do? No, contrary to popular myth, we pay our taxes. And no, we do take care of our kids. What we DON’T do is go tanning. It’s just gym and laundry for us. And it’s only a matter of time before our fearless leader taxes all kinds of other whites-only things, like Tea Party protests, Apple products and Wes Anderson movies.
You know, what President Obama is doing is kind of like when President Reagan largely ignored the AIDS epidemic as it ravaged the gay community. President Reagan was straight so it didn’t really affect him. Nothing wrong with that, right? I just can’t believe Limbaugh let the Gipper off the hook for playing the same kind of dangerous identity politics as President Obama.
One might think that Sen. John McCain, as someone who Poniewozik mentions is a melanoma survivor and an outspoken skin-cancer prevention advocate, would be anti-tanning. But never underestimate the power of a logical argument delivered in a thick Jersey accent. Here’s hoping for a Polizzi-McCain ticket in 2012. I bet her first act in office would be signing a bill outlawing juiced-up gym teachers from punching chicks in their faces.
(P.S. If you don’t get that this is poorly written satire, just ask me what I actually believe. And then maybe stop reading the blog.)