One Unique Token

I can’t keep a secret. Try as I might, and do, I have to let any juicy tidbit of gossip out. If you’re lucky, I just write it down or tell my mom or a friend in a different state and change your name. If you’re not lucky, I very transparently blog about it.

I’m no authority on discretion, which is why I found it unbelievable that even I got offended by one Lothario’s loose lips. Yesterday, some guy (seriously, he didn’t even give up his name) spilled the details of his hookup with U.S. Senate Republican candidate (and dingbat) Christine O’Donnell. I don’t want anyone to fret; I’m not supporting O’Donnell. I don’t even live in Delaware. But, once again, the actions of a man have caused me to somewhat stick up for Miss Hare with No Chance of Meatballs.

(Courtesy of You Tube and LeFT Network)

O’Donnell first gained national fame this summer when she won the primary. She then found infamy as people dug up old tapes of her outlandish statements opposing masturbation and rejecting witchcraft (though not after “dabbling” in it first).

So, yeah, I don’t think it’s out of line to call O’Donnell a crackpot (and not in the cute, Josiah Bartlet way). But I don’t think she deserves to have her romantic history scrutinized simply for humiliation’s sake.

Frankly, as long as a candidate isn’t dating (or hasn’t dated) a fugitive or a national security threat, I don’t really care if the candidate is awkward romantically. We’re not electing boyfriends and girlfriends, we’re electing leaders. I find President Obama more likable than Sen. McCain, but I find Jon Hamm more charming than both of them put together. Yet, for some reason, I don’t think I’ll be casting a vote, write-in or otherwise, for President Hamm anytime soon. I’m not telling anyone how to vote, but I’m just saying that I think elections should be about more than charisma, otherwise we’re going to end up with a Congress that looks like the cast of “Gossip Girl,” and is about as effective at governing as, well, the cast of “Gossip Girl.”

But that’s not even what really irked me about this guy’s photo-filled tale of his trip to Christine Country. Yes, she chose to publicize her objection to masturbation many years ago. But that’s not really a legislative issue, is it? Has O’Donnell promised to outlaw sex toys? Is she pledging to punish anyone who’s a Divinyls fan? O’Donnell is claiming to be superior and more moral than the opposition, and I’m all for exposing any candidate as a hypocrite – especially on moral issues –  but since when is being awkward and tipsy around a guy an issue of morality? O’Donnell and the man in question were consenting adults of legal drinking age and, according to Romeo’s account, O’Donnell didn’t even break her virginity pledge:

“Christine was a decent kisser, but as soon as soon as her clothes came off and she was naked in my bed, Christine informed me that she was a virgin … And she made it clear that she was planning on staying a virgin that night.”

I’m not ignoring the fact that O’Donnell got drunk and climbed into bed naked with a guy she barely knew, but that hardly makes her Samantha Jones. O’Donnell just behaved like half the girls I went to college with, and maybe the people of Delaware want someone with more class than that to represent them in the Senate, but that hardly seems like a substantive reflection on her legislative skills. Personally, I’m not crazy about men who cheat on their wives but I didn’t really think impeachment was necessary. A politician’s love life is none of my business as long as it doesn’t interfere with his or her ability to govern.

(Courtesy of You Tube and Talking Points Memo)

Here’s one loud secret I’m free to share: I’m awkward. I’m so awkward. I’m so quirky and neurotic I make Ally McBeal look sane. I don’t like to eat in front of people. I’m paranoid that I breathe too loudly during regular conversations. I have some very specific body image issues. How I’ve managed to become an employed and contributing member of society is beyond me. Thank goodness employers don’t ask for a list of your irrational anxieties along with your résumé, so why should voters in O’Donnell’s case?

My quirks – which I’m pretty sure is just a cute way of saying “bizarre neuroses” – also extend to romance. I’m just awkward around guys I find attractive. I talk too fast, wave my hands too much and think FAR too slowly. I have no game. I’ve never ventured into O’Donnell Land, getting drunk and crawling into a boy’s bed, but I’d hope that if life calls for me to be famous beyond my close circle of friends (don’t worry, I’m pretty sure that doesn’t happen to people who blog as cartoon characters) all the males I’ve awkwardly stuttered around would keep their mouths shut. I hope the world wouldn’t assume that because I’d done something noteworthy – like winning a primary – that my bikini line was now somehow exclusive-worthy. O’Donnell’s nameless date writes:

“But there were signs that she wasn’t very experienced sexually. When her underwear came off, I immediately noticed that the waxing trend had completely passed her by. Obviously, that was a big turnoff, and I quickly lost interest. I said goodnight, rolled over, and went to sleep.”

This disclosure wasn’t about integrity. It wasn’t about preserving democracy. It was about malice. Mr. Anonymous is a set of blonde extensions away from being Regina George. How will his story help anyone decide which bubble to fill in on November 2? If anything, this guy’s assumption – that O’Donnell must be sexually inexperienced because she doesn’t conform to traditions regarding personal grooming – is insulting and demonstrates deficiencies in his own character. I wish I knew this guy’s name so I could judge him, but I don’t know him because he refused to put his name next his claims. But that tells me enough about him to know that he’s a coward who’s unwilling to take responsibility for being the web equivalent of a small-town gossip queen, and I didn’t even have to go on a date with him to figure that out. Gawker’s O’Donnell scoop didn’t change my opinion of her one bit but it let me know that there’s at least one guy in the Delaware area who’s definitely not worth a damn.

In the interest of full disclosure, I’m pretty sure I’m a better at blogging than I am at kissing, so I’ll save you the trouble of finding out on another website. It’s just a good thing I’m not running for Congress.