All I wanted to do is live-tweet the second night of my auburn-haired lover’s return to television, but of course, the Twitterverse has ruined it for me. As I looked at the list of trending topics last night, I saw the hashtag #thingsblackgirlsdo.
I’ve never been a fan of Twitter’s trending topics. Who comes up with these? Are they devised by some secret tribunal full of vaguely racist villains disguising themselves as fearless cultural commentators?
After a full 24 hours of this topic continuing to trend, I decided this could be my teachable moment. Never one to just rant, I decided to make lemonade out of life’s racist lemons.
Consider this a forum. I’m now to going to honestly respond to the first 10 tweets I see using that hashtag via a random (and unscientific) search. After all, I’m a black girl and my experiences must be representative of all of my demographic peers, right? Are you ready?
Tyra definitely needed to do the "black-girl pat" with this weave.
1. @VictoriaPt50: #thingsblackgirlsdo when u get ur her done you pat it instead of scratching it
- I know this is a common thing in the Black community. Tyra Banks, the official oracle between the Black and White worlds, even nicknamed this “the Black girl pat.” However, when I get my hair done, I scratch away. I guess I just lost a few Black girl credits. 0/1.
2. @iAmBlaccDiva: #ThingsBlackGirlsDo take care of our babies, work and go to school at the same time wit no man to help us…
-Um, sure? I mean, Ms. Blacc Diva, this tweet sounds really empowering (even if it does feed into the Drapetomania stereotype) but this isn’t reflective of my personal experience. I’m lucky enough to come from a two-parent household, and I don’t have any babies. I worked while I was in school, and I guess I didn’t have a man to help me while I did that, but I don’t think college journalism without a child to support is what you’re referencing. More power to you though.
3. @YeaImFly_SoWhat: #thingsblackgirlsdo call another girl a hoe cuz they happen to like the same dude
-First, allow me to commend you on your Twitter handle, which is unabashedly confident (and seemingly totally removed from reality). I hate to be contrarian, but I’ve never called another girl a “hoe,” or any other garden implement, because we liked the same guy. If you’re referring to common rap slang for “whore,” which would be “ho,” well I’ve never tagged another girl with that moniker either (especially not over a guy). If anything, when a girl has a guy I like I’m usually inwardly jealous and take that out on myself in the form of focusing on my fauxnsecurities. I usually assume that if a guy I like doesn’t like me, it’s because the girl he’s with is awesome, or maybe because he’s not real. Thanks for playing, @YeaImFly_SoWhat.
4. @TaylorGang_B: #ThingsBlackGirlsDo hate each otha 1day n da next day b bestfriends like shit aint happen
Don't mind this, it's just a picture of me and one of my on-again, on-again friends. No, that's not a typo. Unlike how I guess I'm "supposed" to behave, we've been friends for over five years consistently. As for the doctor in the middle, I have to confess that we never heard from him again.
-If I can piece together this eyechart of a tweet, I think this person is asserting that Black women are very hot and cold in their friendships. I’d argue this is a trait that could be ascribed to all women. As for me, I’ve been friends with my closest female friends (I’m thinking of a circle of about four) for years without incident. Sure, sometimes we’re in contact more or less frequently due to distance and the craziness of life, but I’ve been best friends with one amazing woman for almost a decade without a single fight. As for the other three, we’ve been friends for anywhere from two to five years with some disagreements, but no daily on/off status changes. Tweeters, I can’t believe we haven’t had a single hit!
5. @williamreid: #thingsblackgirlsdo dream about KFC
-Well, William, I dream about food a lot. It’s usually specific items (chicken tikka masala, chocolate malts and cheeseburgers come to mind). If I am dreaming about chain dining, typically Chipotle has my subconscious’ menu of choice. I have, on occasion, dreamt of dining at Chick-fil-A (FANTASTIC milkshakes), but not wanting to generalize all chicken restaurants – because making assumptions about a group of similar individuals is wrong – that’s not really the same as going to bed with the Colonel’s Original Recipe on the brain. Close but no cigar, Bill.
6. @tylermmm: #thingsblackgirlsdo talk loud for no reason.
-You caught me. I do talk really loud. It’s just because I have a really resonant voice and a deep passion for life. But yes, I do talk really loud. It’s especially upsetting because people of other races never talk loud. You know who has never yelled? A white man. For those of you keeping score, we’re now 1 for 6 in the stereotype Tweetlympics. Oh, and in case you’re wondering, I don’t yell at movie screens (except for the time I saw “Sex and the City 2,” but that film was VILE. My heckling was a public service. Plus, my white friends were yelling too!).
7. @rollsomethingup: #thingsblackgirlsdo get ALL dressed up for the club to look better than all the other black girls
-This is another semi-true situation. I’ve never been to a club. I’ve been to bars, but never some banging club a la “The Hills.” But, when I do go out to mingle with my fellow commoners, I dress up. My goal isn’t “to look better than all the other black girls,” my goal is to look better than EVERYONE. One thing this black girl loves is extra credit. So, this tweet isn’t wholly inaccurate, it’s just incomplete. For being black, I guess there’s a lot of gray area. Who knew?
Talking Heads was once considered New Wave. That band is much more my style than Haircut 100. I've spent many a night Googling the lyrics to "Burning Down the House."
8. @ladybirdj: Look up the lyrics to Haircut 100 songs.#thingsblackgirlsdo
-I was unaware that former first ladies used Twitter, but I’m honored and humbled to take on the woman who singlehandedly beautified America’s highways. Birdie, while I love ’80s New Wave (from Modern English to General Public), I’m not a huge Haircut 100 fan and I’ve never looked up any of the band’s lyrics. Sorry Birdy.
9. @UrRhoyalPhyness: #thingsblackgirlsdo kiss with a passion hotter then the sun.
-While I love almost everything about this tweet, I’ve already established my status as a subpar liplocker. I guess being a bad kisser and being a passionate kisser aren’t mutually exclusive, but in my case, I kiss with completely no joy. Kissing, in my case, is a chore. I will say I kiss with force and impact, but certainly no sense of passion. Keep doin’ yours though, @UrRhoyalPhyness. Sidenote: We only have one tweet left and I’m nowhere near batting 1.o00. Can Twitter users be wrong? Will my findings negate Twitter’s existence?
10. @_MszBee: #ThingsBlackGirlsDo walk outside with a doobie and not care…
-I’m so glad I can finally address this pressing issue. I’ve never smoked pot. I know that’s boring and sounds like a lie, but I swear it’s the truth. What can I say? I’m that one rare D.A.R.E. success story. I know, it’s like seeing a cow pull up to the McDonald’s drive-thru (how unnatural!). I didn’t inhale, I didn’t exhale and I didn’t even light up to begin with. Not only have I never smoked marijuana in any form (“doobie,” blunt, bong or other), I’ve never eaten a pot brownie, I’ve never touched a joint and I’m still pretty vague on what weed smells like. I’ve never walked around with weed and not cared; The Nancy Reagan propaganda worked on me.
Ten random tweets about black women’s behavior led to only one correct conclusion about my experience. I don’t want to speculate, because clearly that isn’t the path to unimpeachable fact, but how many of these tweeters actually know black women? How many of them have actually witnessed this behavior? I’m guessing – again, just one token’s inference – that these tweets, these cultural observations disguised as jokes, aren’t acts in tech-savvy anthropology. This trending topic and the tweets that fell under its heading were an exercise designed to feed demeaning stereotypes into the racially insensitive echo chamber that is our culture. These Twitter users were simply regurgitating the stereotypes they’re taught to believe due to a lack of diverse representations. After all, for every “For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When The Rainbow is Enuf,” there’s a “House of Payne,” but where’s the middle ground? No thinking person would attempt to conflate my experiences with those of Michelle Obama’s, but with one handy hashtag the life of the black woman becomes a catchall ripe for a catchphrase.
Or maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I’m faking my token status. Maybe I’m demographically closer to a white girl because I grew up in the suburbs. Or maybe this trite trending topic shows that it’s really hard to sum up the black female experience in 140 characters.
